As I was making my 2 hour drive to Mountain Center, CA , I was battling a number of emotions. I was excited to be a part of something so wonderful, excited to meet these new faces, pumped to play around with the camera in a new setting, and yet at the same time there was a bit of nerves rumbling in my tummy. This day had been in the making for a couple of months, and it was finally here. Through the connection of a good friend of mine, Hillary Gann, I would be working with the AWESOME organization, Flashes of Hope ( http://www.flashesofhope.org/). They seek out photographers to come into either Children's Hospitals, or in my case The Ronald McDonald Camp for Goodtimes, for kids.
I really had no idea what to expect for the day, emotionally that is. Would I be completely fine under the circumstances? Like my wedding day, i thought I was going to be a crying mess, but sometimes we surprise ourselves as to how we react in certain situations. Or would I be falling apart at the seems? For the most part, with in the first 20 minutes of arriving , that question was answered.
I arrive to meet the Flashes of Hope coordinator, Lisa Cencula. Let me tell you, this woman is uh-mazing. She has got some pep in her step, and I love every bit of it. She is soo darn sweet and just as witty. She definitely settled my nerves. Next, we met the Camp director, Dot, who explained to us a bit about the camp. She then let us know that the kids were at Rockin Breakfast (I hope I didn't butcher that, I think that's what is called)..None the less, the kids are basically having fun singing and dancing to music-AT BREAKFAST. I'm not going to lie.. I wanted to join them. If you know me, then you know if there is a social happening, I want to be there. So, we meet the kids; within minutes of meeting these kids I was brought back to being a high school leader at Church camp. It was the same excitement in the air. I almost felt like I should run off with them to join in all the daily activities :-) My day was starting on a good note.
We got three groups of kids to come to us, ( I got to work with photographer Corbin Kell, keeping the kids in line for their fashion debut :-) . These kids rocked. But what I was ooberly shocked to find out from Dot, and with my my own eyes, is that nearly ALL of the kids looked healthy. You literally would never have guessed you stepped foot onto a Ronald McDonald camp. Dot explained that with the advanced treatments many kids received today , you won't see their surgery scars, and many of them were not in treatment at that time. So you almost have to remind yourself that they did have some type of cancer. See Case in Point below: 
There were some kids whose physical features gave you a visual reminder they were battling something, and these were the ones that reminded my heart that these kids had ALL experienced, or were experiencing a life altering experience. I won't say I didn't almost lose it at points. There were about three times I can remember thinking, "get it together kat, get it together." One little boy in particular nudged my heart. He must have been in treatment, because part of his hair was gone on his head, and another part growing in. He looked more pale than the others . He was so small and petite, even for a 10 year old. But oh man, the sweetest smile. Talk about a heart melter. I know anyone would ache inside to think about what these kids had to go through, but nothing intensifies these emotions like motherhood. Something about having your own children; carrying them in your womb for 9 months, watching them take their first breath, their first night of sleeping through the night (praise God for that), their first pitter patter of footsteps, to their first on their own " I love you," -there's just something about these that lets you see not only the world, but even other people's children in a different light. I could imagine exactly what each of their parents felt for them, and to an extent I could TRY to fathom what , as a parent, I would feel to watch my baby go through what these parents are watching their children go through. Heart wrenching. (I love this hand painted House they have. Its a saying from Mr. Toad)
So I had my wonderful day, got to hang with some jokester kids, meet some awesomely talented photographers, and meet some great connections (Dot and Lisa :0) And then, it was time to get back home to my own family (who by the end of this trip, I was DYING to hug my kids). I was doing great, excited to tell John about my day, and I did. I called Hilary to tell her about my day and thank her numerous times for the connection. All was well, I was holding up pretty well, so I thought. but slowly as the night progressed I could feel this heaviness creeping up on me. It literally felt like a weight in my stomach. I could feel myself getting a little more anxious, wanting to hold my girls-even though they were sleeping ( and if you know me and my children's sleeping patterns, then you know I would NEVER wake them while they are sleeping..ha).. Just something was off. Within an hour I had my break-down.
I'm not exactly sure I can fully put into words what I was going through at that point but I'll try. I was raised with a Christian upbringing, strayed some in high school/college years, and found my utter love of Jesus through some personal experiences soon after. But let me tell you, this doesn't stop the questioning, especially when you experience something like I did that day. These were kids. KIDS! Kids that our heavenly father loves even more than their parents do. He created them. He know their every hair on their head, every thought and fear that crosses their mind. We expect old people to get sick and die, its the way life goes, but kids-I just have a hard time processing it. Like these kids:
What made this concept harder for me, was "why are my kids any different than these kids who are sick?" The answer... they aren't. They are God's kids just like the kids at Ronald McDonald. He loves my kids the same as he loves the numerous kids I met that day. So for about an hour John talked it out with me my irrational fears and such. It just made me realize how much we take this life for granted. We THINK we are going to go before our kids. We THINK out kids are going to grow old. We think. I'm not even sure how our conversation ended that night, but I know I went to sleep with a heavy heart, with tired and weeping eyes.
Sunday morning rolls around at Whittier Area Community Church http://www.wacc.net/. Poor people around me had no idea what was in store for them. I don't think anyone expects to sit next to a blobbering mess that morning..ha. Worship rolls around , and it is working my heart. The Song rings in "Our God" by Chris Tomlin. Awesome song. I'm singing , meaning every word, and then these lyrics come:Our God is healer
awesome in power, our God, Our God.
It was like every time the word "healer" came around these kids popped in my life. Don't get me wrong, I FULLY believe in the healing power of God. I have witnessed it myself with our youngest Camden. She fell on her head at 2 months old, fracturing her skull from her ear to the back of her head, leaving bleeding in her brain. I FELT God work. I SAW him heal. We were told that " her little head did what God intended for it to do."Oddly, she was at the "prime" age to have a fall, her skull wasn't fused yet and this allowed for less pressure on her brain..-long story short, God healed that little girl and he didn't have to. Many children have died from head injuries, but he healed mine and I'm forever thankful. But what about these kids at camp. Every time I sang "healer" its like the words wouldn't come fully out of my heart. Tears fell from my face. Mostly tears for the kids, but some were for my own lack of understanding.
I somehow made it through that song. And then the 'ah-ha' moment came. God, like he always does, seems to burst in at just the right time. Right at those moments when you feel so low, burdened in your heart with the millions of questions, He comes. I can say from my own experience that His words aren't always what you are looking for, or hoping for, but they seem to fit perfectly into the puzzle. For me , in this moment, I wanted Him to pop in and say, "You know what Kat, you're right, I'm going to cure every kid. " And that would be it. I would go home from church fully satisfied that Every kid was healed. But instead he gave me a song.
This was the next song played at church...coincidence? I think not."YOU NEVER LET GO" By: Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
your perfect love is casting out fear
Even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near
And i will fear no evil,
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then Shall I Fear
Chorus: (THIS IS THE PART THAT HIT HOME FOR ME)
Chorus: (THIS IS THE PART THAT HIT HOME FOR ME)
Oh No, you never let go, through the calm and through the storm,
Oh no, you never let go, through every high and every low,
oh no, you never let go, Lord you never let go of me.
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare.
there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes,
We'll live to know you hear on the earth.
Chorus.
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on,
A glorious light beyond all compare,
And there WILL be and end to these trouble, but until that day comes,
Still I will praise you, Still I will praise you.
We live in a world where really crappy things are happening. And there are things that I'm sure we are not going to understand until we are in the presence of God. There are many things I just can't seem to understand why he even allows-fully understanding that we live in a sinful world and with that comes pain and suffering at times. However, one thing I do know that He wants us to understand, and I pray these kids, my kids, will know, is that He NEVER lets go. Though they will walk through the hard times of life, and encounter highs and lows, He is there the same. He loves them the same. He hurts for them all the same. But, he never lets go of them.
He doesn't grow weary , even though we do.
Thank Goodness God is a gracious God. Because He knows HOW many times he has revealed his love to me, showed me His goodness, only for me to question it at the drop of a dime. That's something I'm working through. But one thing I will never doubt, is that He is by my side, even as I'm working through my own turmoil.
Pastor Bill at church talked about Hope before we left service. He said (again, I hope I don't butcher it), that Hope is not our happiness, it is what sustains us, and no one can take that from us.) I pray these kids find that hope, because like He said, no one can take that from them. And within that, I think, happiness lingers. 
Thank Goodness God is a gracious God. Because He knows HOW many times he has revealed his love to me, showed me His goodness, only for me to question it at the drop of a dime. That's something I'm working through. But one thing I will never doubt, is that He is by my side, even as I'm working through my own turmoil.
Pastor Bill at church talked about Hope before we left service. He said (again, I hope I don't butcher it), that Hope is not our happiness, it is what sustains us, and no one can take that from us.) I pray these kids find that hope, because like He said, no one can take that from them. And within that, I think, happiness lingers.
Psalm 62: 8 "Oh my people, Trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge."
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